So here is the correct way to apply perfume to the delicate female form:

Go to any room without a bed. It is unhealthy to your lungs (and your lover's) to sleep in a room where perfume has been sprayed. Make sure the floor is dust-free. Lay a clean, white sheet on the floor. Spray a fine mist over the entire swath of the sheet for less than one second. Leave the room making sure you do not pass through the mist. Close the door and wait ten minutes. Cook something, read a book.

When the time is up, return to the room. Remove all of your clothing [if at this point you'd like to take some revealing photos of yourself you may email them to me, I promise not to post them, unless you wish]. Lift the sheet off the floor and wrap yourself with the dry side, the side that did not receive the perfume mist. That side should have the slightest impression of the perfume, just as the wings of a butterfly carries the memory of lilacs after it has flown through a meadow in Spring. Stay wrapped like this for about 20 seconds and then unwrap yourself. Stick the bed-sheet into a plastic bag to prevent it from stinking up the room and save it for the next time.

Your body should now be layered with the finest patina of the essence of the scent. Men who come near you will feel something breathtaking about you, something alluring, subtle, mysterious yet undefinable, almost imperceptible. He should now be imbibing in your natural pheromones carried by the larger molecules of the perfume extract. Too much perfume and this natural secretion is concealed and overpowered and rendered undetectable to the male.

On the other hand, if he sniffs the air and asks you what perfume you are wearing, then you kept the wrap on too long, you smothered instead of enhanced the natural bouquet of your body. When applied properly, perfume should not be detectable qua perfume. If I want an over-painted, over-made up woman reeking of fetid, disgusting and rank odors I can simply ring up a service that specializes in aging North Korean whores.

Also, try to keep the number of different perfumes down to one. You only confuse men if you wear different fragrances every day. I don't want to know it's Tuesday because you are wearing Obsession Perfume.

Do not, I implore you, do not wet your finger with perfume and dab your neck or that delicate nook behind your ear or some other, unmentionable spot. There is nothing worse for a man than to be nuzzling and kissing his loved one than to suddenly gag when his nose runs over an unexpected and odious smell. Most perfume ingredients are bitter and overwhelming in high concentrations and were never meant to be tasted let alone smelled, so never, ever apply perfume directly to your body and especially over those parts your lover/husband/boyfriend may chance upon.

With perfume, less is more.

And please, ladies, resist wearing perfume to work. Some employee manuals forbid the wearing of perfume and rightly so. Perfume is for romance not work. Want to smell nice at work? Wash your clothes in fragrance-free detergent and your body with fragrance-free soap. Done.

In my previous article: Au de Stink I report on another way to properly apply perfume.

Go into the bathroom so not to stink up the rest of the house; turn on the fan; spray for 1/2 a second into the air and quickly leave the bathroom, closing the door before any of the spray can fall on you; then wait 30 seconds; open the door, go inside and let the memory of the perfume envelope you for 10 seconds, turn off the fan; leave the bathroom. You're all set.

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