English for Muslims Part 1 from Planck's Constant

Reader Miram A. in an email to me suggested that much of the animosity of Americans toward Muslims may be blamed on misunderstandings of language. On the off-chance that this might very well be the case, I am starting a new category of posts called English for Muslims.

I will admit that there are huge differences in culture regarding how Americans and Muslims view women. So in this lesson we will cover words we use in tribute to the female body. This is nothing to be ashamed about, Ahmed. Allah in his wisdom created among the females in the animal kingdom, certain plumage, feathers, coloring and so on to help the female attract the male. While it is true that Muslim men are attracted to all females, and even some females of different species such as goats and camels, the American male is not attracted to every woman he sees; he needs to be enticed.

That is why you will see great time, effort and money spent on perfumes, cosmetics, clothes, and all manner of accoutrement to help the female attract, ensnare and capture the male. This is the same in all of nature, Alhamdulillah and Allah knows best.

I know what you are going to say, Ahmed: it doesn't matter what the female does, she will marry the man she has been sold or promised to. Sadly, Ahmed, we let women do the choosing in America.

But back to the lesson. Women have many parts. American men admire and worship these parts, whether breasts, legs, bottoms, lips, eyes, the mount of Venus, whatever. I understand in many regions of the Muslim world some of these parts are cut off as in Female Vaginal Mutilation so that women cannot enjoy using them; however, this is really not fair. Allah in his Mercy and Compassion gave those parts to women, so who are you to take it away from them?

Sorry, I digress. Back to the lesson. Today I would like to talk about women's melons, cantelopes, coconuts, or as they are called in dictionaries: breasts. I use these terms so that you can understand American men when they are speaking about bazongas, honkers, and jugoombies. When an American male says, "Look at those big coconuts on the beach!" He does not mean:

Photo Credit: Kolomensky.com

Instead, he is referring to:

If Muslim men can train themselves to appreciate, honor, and worship women's coconuts, he will find that the promises of Paradise are available to him in this world and without the bother of frying your crotch.